Hey, I’m Lorraine, the alter-evil twin of Lorelle. She’s off doing the holiday whatevers and I’ve taken over her blog. Don’t tell, okay? She thinks I don’t know nothin’ about all this blogging stuff, but I know what I’m talking about here. I gots me a couple blogs, stuffed with ads, and I’m sitting back, like watching TV (I got cable, you know), doin’ my nails, painting my toes, and I’m getting a new tatoo later at the mall – my sixth – all paid for by my blogs. I play and they do all the work. It’s a hell of a good life, you know? Real easy-like. You know, I’m even considering getting myself one of those auto-content generating things, the things that take what other people make up and make it my own. Then life would be real easy-like for me cuz this blogging crap is like serious hard work, you know.
So I’s been there and gots yous the real tips you need to know on hows to start a conversation on your blog and build that there traffic. Me and my blogs, you know, they’re working for me damn good, so I knows what I’m talking about here.
If you wants to get some action going on your blogs, dis whats you gots to do.
Cussing and swearing gets great attention.
Hey, I can talk straight like, but WTF4? Using the F and S words are great for making my point and filling in blanks like adjectives to help me slam my point home. If you really want to make a point sell, throw in a few Fs and Ss for empathsis. Makes then sit right up and pay attention.
Oh, and abbreviate your words like hell. I lk 2 uz abbrev-speek when I can cuz it makes me feel like I’m writing in a secret language. Feels special, u no, and that’s what counts most. Besides, it’s faster when I’m driving. I likes to comment on blogs with my iPhone, the one my cousin hacked for me. I like knowing geeks and nerds. They get the job done, don’t they? Cool. Jazz on up, boys!
Start a flame war between commenters.
Blog posts are usually redundint and boring, so help the blogger out by picking on one of the other commenters. After all, they don’t know shit if they are reading this boring crap, so tell them they are stupid or don’t know what they are talking about. Spices things up, you know.
And the more flames shooting, the more the people’s is paying attention. So if this don’t work, notch it up some good.
Start a flame war between bloggers.
If you really want to stir the pot, then tell the blogger that so and so blogger said different so what do they think they are trying to prove anything with this stupid ass point? So and so is smarter and said it better, so why are they wasting our time with this crap?
It’s amazing how defensive some bloggers can get, which I really throwns some gas on the fire. I love to sit back and just watch. It’s a ping pong match between blogs. Cheap entertainment, you know. Sheesh, a really good blog war, it can even make me miss my CSI show. I’m a regular like fan, you know, so the bigger and better the blog war, the better it can compete with my shows and soaps. Takes a lot to turn me from my soaps, you know.
Say something totally irrelevant and off topic.
I likes stiring things up, if you didn’t like notice, and one of my favorite ways of stirring is to say something off topic on the blog post. Besides, you and me knows that what they say is just a time waster, and we really don’t even care what they gots to say anyway. Who reads most blog crap anyway? Huh? We just want our link juice in there.
Besides, if you say something really good, it feels good, don’t it? Doesn’t matter where you say it, yous just gots to say it. You just HAD to get that off your chest. Hmm, doesn’t that feel much better now?
Geeze, like it matters where you say what when just as long as you can have your say.
You know they don’t know jack.
With all of this time-wasting commenting thing, it’s totally out of control because I know the folks with the real jobs are too busy to comment on blogs. They’re out working, you know. Like me. I don’t got time for these folks with too much time on their hands to leave comments. They don’t know shit anyway. They’re stupid, but we gots to love them cuz they bring in traffic which makes us money. So what the hell.
Find a little compassion in your heart for these time-wasters and say something nice once in a while, just to keep them coming back and paying the rent for yah. Hey, penthouse suites don’t come cheap, so I does what I can to serve the masses.
Have a lot of alter-egos.
When I’ve published something on my blog, I log out and then leave comments pretending I’m someone else. I say great things about what I’ve wrote – er, the blogger wrote – and stir things up if the post is really boring. You know, like add some jazz.
You know, you can’t write like awesome every time, so it’s important that you get the comments going so people will have at least other comments to talk to. Besides, it like breaks the ice, you know. These dumb twits who read blogs, they need some butt kicking to leave a comment, don’t they?
Don’t forget to tell everyone how famous you are.
Yeah, you know how it is. You just gots to remind them how important you are in the whole, whatzit, scheme of things. “Hey, Google me, man!” See how important I am. See how I outrank you, sucker! I always got to remind these blogging twits that I know more than they do cuz I’m in Google. Sheesh.
At the least, tell them you know Robert Scoble, John Dvorak, Liz Strauss, Darren Rowse, and Matt Mullenweg. If they don’t know you, they will know your “friends”. Let their fame rub off on you. Makes you like important and stuff.
Ignore the twits
Hey, the commenters on my blogs who are really stupid twits – and you know who you are – the trick is to ignore them. Especially those who think they got another think coming. The ones all filled with expectation that I’m going to come down from my high horse and give them a piece of my time. Yeah, right. I’m working here, dumb ass!
It’s amazing the jazz you can get hopping on your blog comments when you ignore the twits. They start dancing all over the place. Then I likes to stir things up by responding to someone else, and pointing to the one I’m ignoring, and say something like “as if u no who had 2 brain cells to rub together!” Yeah, they know who I’m talking at. And watch the fireworks. Freakin’ comment box becomes a three ring circus, you know.
Make them work for it.
My mamma said that you never appreciate what you have unless you really work hard for it. So make them commenters really appreciate you by making them register and log in to leave a comment. After all, you want to know who they are, where they have been, and check them out, right? You want a list cuz you might want to do something with it, right? Yeah, you and me, we think like twins. Two sides of a coin. Yeah.
Oh, to really make them work for it, make sure you use a CAPTCHA thingy, you know, one of those “guess what letter I’m showing you now” things. The ink blot tester thingy. Who was the mother that was named after? Rothschild? Somethin’ like that. Some dude who thought he could make people see butterflies, people having sex, and shit like that when his pen broke. Sheesh.
And then really make them sweat with a torture test like what’s 6 plus 1, huh? Huh? Nothing like making them to mental pushups before they comment. They earned the right to comment, which makes them really want to comment more, you know. Just like mamma said.
Besides, I know the comment spammers know hows to break through those thingies, and I like reading the comment spams, don’t you? Hey, I’m as sexually active as anyone, but there’s some things in those spams that Akismet catches that are really interesting. I never heard of some of that shit! I likes an education, but this is like wow! Master class! Who knew anyone got off on being peed on? Golden showers they calls them? Like who knew?
Beg for links.
I’m always asking the bloggers to check out my site and put me in their blogroll. Why not? Do you know how many bloggers fall for that crap? Wow! It’s amazing how easy it is. I gots so many incoming links just cuz I ask.
Sure enough, there are some uptight blogger bastards (like U-NO-WHO) who say no or ignore my attempts, but I’ll do anything for a link, you know. Anything. My mamma always said that it can’t hurt to ask. Her being on welfare, she knew about asking. She was a bleeding expert on asking. Trust me.
Sign Off With a Big Signature and Wave.
I really like leaving long lists of my blogs under my signature – yeah, I sign all comments with my name, title, and all my blog links. If the blogger is a big blogger, then I don’t sign my name but my “handle”, you know, like my C.B. handle? I like “Sexy Mamma Webber”, a great play on words, don’t you think? I also use “Web Design Diva” and “Iamthe O. Leewon”.
Besides, you know I don’t give a shit what this stupid blogger is saying. I just want people to check out my blog and I need the Google link juice with the keywords in my name – you know, that page ranky thing – so like why not go for the link credit?
So I thanks you for your time here, and hope you link to my blog plenty cuz of this here guest post. You know that’s the whole reason I waste my time on this worthless blog is to get you to think I’m incredible so you will link to my blog, not this time-waster, boring Lorelle blog. Sheesh. Lorelle on WordPress. Fred on the Moon. Lorraine on a Harley. WTF? What a stupid blog name.
I’ve got an appointment to rush off to – the tatoo guy, remember. Going to have my blog name tatooed across my ass. Just in case I have to bend over and show another blogger what I think of them and their blog.